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memoria_cadere
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Name: yahoooo
Birthday: 10/17/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: being random, stealing the chup,drawing really crappy things crappily, complaining, and understanding.
Expertise: your mother
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/10/2003
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| Right,
so i have to put this somewhere.
basically, i feel:
neglected--i don't care how late you're out you can still call me and tell me how you are and keep in mind my schedule instead of me always keeping in mind yours.
you can cancel some shit every once in a while for me.
you can stop telling me you love me if you can't commit in the least.
i'm tired of being less important than your bands and your work and your school and your friends who you just get drunk and high with all the time.
i'm tired of asking my mom to drive me and missing out on things up here.
i'm tired of you switching up stuff on me or answering yes without checking some sort of goddam calendar. just because you say you do things spontaneously doesn't mean you actually. you just want ME to be spontaneous. then you don't have to set times to see me. you know some sort of tentative schedule so why can't you just TELL ME IT?
i'm tired of loving you so much i just DO SHIT without thinking about it.
i'm tired of thinking about grad school.
i'm tired of always having to take your snaps in stride. i think it's completely OK for me to blame you if you snap at me. i don't think i should have to apologize or be on egg shells when i talk to you.
i skipped class a bunch of times just to talk to you last semester, and you can cancel one fucking band rehearsal because it's not together or tight or w/e. but let me tell you, there's a whole lot of time that i'm NOT THERE that you can get it together.
i'm tired of you being defensive about your schedule/work. alright i got it. you gave up all your time for a girl you didn't really care about, and then when it comes to me you start putting your foot down.
SACRIFICE ISN'T BAD.
when are you going to put something else out there besides your heart?
i'm tired of loving you more than you love me.
i try so hard to see you and then it doesn't work and i just...collapse and cry. i can't even count how many times i've cried because i couldn't tell you how i felt...
i'm putting my whole being into this, so why do i still feel like a second thought....something nice to put on the shelf and take down when you're not busy.
i've become trashy fiction.
so what if i'm being selfish. i just...had to get this all out. i don't have time to cry and i don't have time to write. in fact, i have a class in 10 minutes.
that's it.
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| i think it's karma or something...
i wish i could love him as much as i want to.
faaaahck.
and daniel keeps saying stuff like, "he hasn't realized that you're perfect for each other?"
and my mom keeps saying, "that would be cruel maria, really cruel."
but it won't happen and no one will know because he's blind and i'm not good enough and i thoroughly embarrass myself every time i open my mouth and his excuses are REALLY lame. i wish he'd just hate me or treat me like he cared less...you know, not say everything was okay or get annoyed or punch me in the face. that last one is really good. then i could hate him.
god i wish i could hate him.
i keep getting closer and danny is like...
i hope you don't get hurt. you'd lose two people at once it feels like.
and i'm thinking...
I KNOW.
fuck.
shit. fuck.
i'm out of my MIND.
when have i ever been wrong for you? and how long will it take for you to pick up and drop me like you drop everyone else?
this is going to be really really rough. maybe that's why i'm holding on so tight...........
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| read old entry about hannah.
i take it back.
she's a bitch.
geeeee
i felt a bit better about craig...-sigh- he said he'd give me time...so understanding.
i want it back...
i'm going to cry...
it doesn't make sense that school alone could do this all to me.
and why do i need to be a clone of my bf...
so what if he isn't sharp at literary analysis...but it's like he's not interested...
i want to take a music theory class so that i can connect with him even more...
guhhhhhhhh~
nuff wit dat shit.
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| craig visits today...and it occurred to me...that if i can keep in touch with bill this well, then why not my own bf...
it may not be as hard as everyone says it is. i'm not really dependant on anything physical...so...here's hoping.
he keeps like...fuckin baby talking me. fuck annoying fuck fuck fuck. i'm really annoyed--if you couldn't tell.
annoyed....hmm...so much goes along with that. and i really don't know what to tell him. why am i so on edge with him?
gurgle.
that is all.
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| i'm such a liar.
i don't think that anyone understands how i feel...about wanting to be everyone's number one. a good premise for free love. i'm so lonely.
why don't i want it to work?
i'm such a selfish ass...
such such such.
i start classes tomorrow.
my roommate has the same schedule as me on thursdays...that's good.
i don't know which one of them i'm missing. i feel evil for caring about him more than my own bf...but when you can't connect with your number one...it follows that number 2 would come next....right?
or am i crazy.
i'm crazy.
lock me up.
god.
dammit.
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